Welcome to our most anticipated press conference. Please, take your seats. Phones on silent, but keep them face up. We all know you’re going to text your group chat about this in real time.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today.
After consulting with legal, PR, and several close personal advisors, I am formally announcing my retirement from the streets.
There will be time at the end for a brief Q&A. No, I will not be taking questions about “what changed.” Everything changed. Nothing changed.
Before you ask, yes, the terms of our nibbler NDA remain in effect. No, he does not have any social media. Thank god.
But before I dive into the details, I’d like to address a few ongoing stressors within the single community.
With years of boots-on-the-ground journalism in the war zone of modern dating, I have the bruises, the battle scars, and the archived Hinge screenshots to speak definitively on what I’m about to say.
I am speaking directly to the long-time relationship girlies.
The ones thoughtfully workshopping a ring fund. The ones who escaped the trenches of post-college dating with minimal emotional shrapnel. The ones who haven’t had to explain their personality to a stranger over $19 spritzes in years.
I say this with all the love in my heart.
When it comes to the designated third wheels of your life—you have got to do better.
I hate to break it to you, but just because you found the love of your life before you were forced off your parents’ insurance does not mean you hold the keys to the kingdom of dating. You simply caught an early train. Mazel tov. Truly.
I speak as a decorated veteran of the single community when I say: we are painfully aware of the look of concern you try (and fail) to conceal when you offer up your favorite line—
“Someone is out there, you just have to keep trying.”
Baby. We know.
While everyone hopes to find someone to ride off into the sunset with, it does no one any favors to treat singleness like a group project that needs to be solved before the deadline.
For many of us, myself included, dating is less of a mission and more of a method. An act of self-exploration. A live-action personality audit with cocktails.
And crucially, one that does not always come with an expiration date.
It took me a long time to arrive at that understanding. And it’s not something that should be met with panic, pity, or a sudden urge to “circle back” on every man I’ve ever mentioned in passing.
Because I have watched, time and time again, my dear friends latch onto the mere concept of a potential suitor with a level of enthusiasm that feels…misplaced.
I could introduce you to Jeffrey Dahmer and some of you would sigh in relief, thrilled that you no longer have to navigate a three-person reservation.
“Honestly…at least he seems committed.”
Be so for real.
Now, some might argue that this relentless optimism is a pillar of girlhood. And listen, I love a delusion as much as the next woman. But we need to establish some boundaries.
If I tell you he robs banks and your immediate response is, “Well, at least he has a hobby,” that is not support. That is a cry for help.
That tells me you are more invested in my hypothetical wedding than my actual well-being.
Or, let’s be honest, perhaps you’re simply eager to retire from your role as social coordinator.
Yes, I understand you’d rather cosplay as Mr. and Mrs. at the farmer’s market, splitting a croissant and discussing which olive oil would look best on your shared kitchen counter.
Yes, I know you felt a pang of guilt when you saw my Saturday morning location tagged as “home.”
No, I do not expect an invitation.
But I do think this is an opportunity to expand the overlap in the social Venn diagram of single and taken.
Because let’s be frank. The interest in singlehood is thriving. The data does not lie. My Date Night Drafts have a readership that borders on investigative journalism.
And while tales from Love Island are, admittedly, blissful… they simply do not carry the same adrenaline, the same chaos, the same raw, unfiltered stakes as a live Hinge report.
It’s a tale as old as time.
You cannot look away from a slow-moving car crash. Going the speed limit? Respectable. Safe. Deeply uninteresting.
It’s just a fact that a first kiss story will always outweigh an argument over china patterns in terms of entertainment value. No matter how unreasonable his mother may be.
But as you sit there, listening to the latest installment of someone’s weekend rendezvous, I implore you. Pause before you respond.
Not every bad date requires a strategic intervention from a relationship veteran.
And if advice is requested, might I suggest something revolutionary:
an offer for after-work drinks.
Because I promise you, we have heard every recycled rallying cry from TikTok, from Tinx, from The Toast, from your cousin who got engaged at 23 and now speaks exclusively in Pinterest quotes.
We don’t need a slogan.
We need a wingwoman.
The best encouragement to “get back out there” is not a podcast summary. It’s showing your single friend that you are just as excited to hit the streets with her.
Even if it means postponing your weekly rom-com night with your significant other.
Even if it means remembering you used to be out here, too.
I’ll now open the floor to questions.
I understand there may be some confusion regarding the nature of my “retirement,” and I am prepared to clarify.
Please, one at a time. No shouting. And no one say “he just hasn’t met the right girl yet” unless you’re prepared to be escorted out.
And before anyone asks—yes, this is a retirement with benefits.
Q: Can you clarify what you mean by “retirement”? Is this a temporary leave, or…permanent?
A: At this time, I can confirm this is not a sabbatical. I have, in fact, secured a long-term contract. Terms are favorable. Spirits are high.
Q: When did this development occur?
A: Quietly. Strategically. While many of you were busy encouraging me to “put myself out there,” I regret to inform you…I already had.
Q: Do we know anything about the…organization you’ve signed with?
A: We are currently in a soft-launch phase. What I can say is this: he is kind, he is consistent, and, most importantly, he has never once made me explain my personality over a $19 spritz.
Q: What does this mean for your previous work in the field?
A: This is a ridiculous question. Obviously I will no longer be taking daily assignments.
Q: And what would you say to those still actively reporting from the front lines?
A: Stay sharp. Stay hydrated. And for the love of God, stop letting your taken friends convince you that a man with “potential” is a community project.
And with that, this concludes today’s press conference.
Thank you all for your interest in my career pivot. I appreciate your continued support of my work—past, present, and, apparently, domestic.
I’ll see you at the farmer’s market ;)
And the plot thickens.......
This was too good